What Makes “Magnificent Sex”?

    While most sex therapy attempts to remedy dysfunction, few treatments in the 20th century were interested in what takes people from functional to extraordinary sexual partners. The issue of treating dysfunction without an inspired vision goes beyond sex therapy. For example, therapists like Marsha Linehan, noted an emphasis on symptom relief as opposed to “building a life worth living” when treating borderline personality disorder. As a somatic therapist, I often find myself consciously looking for moments of regulation, or what Deb Dana calls “glimmers”. Even this can be foreign to clients who are used to living in the problem. As therapists of all stripes learn the importance of broadening our scope, this begs the question: what can we learn from success stories and not just by treating dysfunction?

     Sex therapists and researchers Peggy Kleinplatz and A. Dana Ménard set out to answer this question when they began conducting exploratory research in the mid-2000s. More specially, they were interested in what makes “magnificent sex”? And what can the general population learn from these extraordinary lovers?

    From semi-structured interviews, coded and analyzed by third party raters, they were able to identify eight components that were reliably reported when discussing peak sexual experiences. They were as follows:

1) Being Completely Present in the Moment, Embodied Focused, Absorbed

2) Connection, Alignment, Being in Sync, Merger

3) Deep Sexual and Erotic Intimacy

4) Extraordinary Communication and Deep Empathy

5) Being Genuine, Authentic and Transparent

6) Vulnerability and Surrender

7) Exploration, Interpersonal Risk-Taking and Fun

8) Transcendence and Transformation

    To many ‘s surprise, minor contributors included orgasm, sex acts, lust/chemistry, physical pleasure and intercourse. The research suggested the attitude and not the acts were essential for peak sexual experiences.

     Reading through this research for the first time, I noted how these common factors map onto many of the skills we teach in somatic therapy. When approaching the self, I often discuss “The Focusing Attitude” which encompasses a sense of presence, validation and empathy. What makes for a good sexual experience, is akin to what makes a good life. In this way, improving our sexual encounters can be seen as a tool for practicing embodiment. While sex is often viewed as an afterthought in our overall sense of well being, it might actually be a training ground, sight of healing and also place of necessary play. This research is also a good reminder to give space for magnificent in therapy, even when we are taught to focus on pathology.

If you are interested in learning more about somatic therapy or sex therapy please contact me Jennifer@homebodycounselling.ca.

References

Dana, D. (2023). The glimmer journal: A guided practice for finding moments of safety in everyday life. Sounds True.

Kleinplatz, P. J., & Ménard, A. D. (2020). Magnificent sex: Lessons from extraordinary lovers. Routledge.

Linehan, M. M. (2020). Building a life worth living: A memoir. Random House.