Vulnerable Communication in Relationships
The more experience I gain as a couple’s counsellor, the more aware I become of how similar most conflict is. While the strategies couples use to argue differ vastly, at the core of most conflict is shame. And at the outset of most arguments are the ways that each partner attempts to skirt it. Some attack; some defend but all want to protect themselves. However, paradoxically, the more we try to avoid shame, the more it grows. The antidote therefore is vulnerability.
Vulnerability will mean different things to different people. In Julie Menanno’s book Secure Love she writes “vulnerable communication is simply the opposite of protective communication; you share what you can when you can. You take the risks needed to show up in your relationship in a new way, with less criticism or less defensiveness, even when it initially feels really uncomfortable to do so.” She also notes that “people often confuse emotional outbursts such as inconsolable crying and long, wordy rants with vulnerability, the idea being ‘I’m not holding back my emotions, so that means I’m being vulnerable.’ These things are emotionally expressive yes, but unless they involve stepping out of one’s comfort zone for the greater good, they are venting, not vulnerability.” This is where I see many couples go wrong.
I often describe vulnerability as a felt sense. If you are deeply uncomfortable, feel exposed, and slightly afraid, you are probably being vulnerable. That is why it is important to gauge the safety of your connection before attempting vulnerable communication. For some, vulnerability might come with asking for what they need, for others, it might be revealing something from the past, for others still it could look like sexual initiation. Vulnerability is a feeling therefore it might look different to different people. Focusing Oriented Therapy can help us get in touch with our bodysense of vulnerability, as well as what fear might be sitting underneath it.
Regardless, Menanno notes “your relationship will stagnate in good time unless you and your partner are willing to be vulnerable”. It is important that you try “speaking your truth, showing your deepest feelings and being your authentic self even at the risk of rejection. Rejection hurts. But it doesn’t hurt as much as the loneliness of spending a lifetime hiding, especially from your partner.” Vulnerability helps us disrupt negative cycles of communication that couples often find themselves in and move towards bonding. Conversely, if your partner cannot receive your consistent vulnerable communication over time, it might be an indication that the relationship can no longer move forward. Vulnerability is ripping the band aid off. It exposes what is already there.
In the same book, Menanno introduces a simple vulnerability exercise that you can try the next time your felt sense of vulnerability is activated. Try filling out these sentence stems:
When you see me _____________________, inside of me I’m feeling _________________ because _________________________ and I can see how that leaves you feeling_____________.
For example: When you see me lash out, inside of me I’m feeling deeply afraid, because I don’t want to be perceived as incompetent and I can see how that leaves you feeling scared, shocked and unseen.
Admitting all of that instead of moving into protective communication can be a lot. Couples counselling can help guide the process. If you are looking for additional support. Please reach out: jennifer@homebodycounselling.ca.
Reference
Menanno, J. (2023). Secure love: A guide to creating a relationship rooted in connection and trust. Hachette Go.