Developing a Secure Attachment to the Self

Jessica Fern’s seminal work on polyamorous relationships Polysecure outlines the basic ingredients of secure attachment. However, these elements are applicable far beyond any specific relational structure. Fern created the acronym HEARTS to describe what secure attachment looks like. The “S” in HEARTS stands for “secure attachment to the self”, which includes “being aware of your feelings and desires, as well as being able to tend to your own needs”. Each letter in the acronym is therefore applicable both in partnership and with the individual. In this way, we can explore the key factors of improving the health of our relationships by starting with our own inner world.

Let’s go through each letter and see how it can be used to ground our security within ourselves.

HEARTS

H- Here

Being in the here and now with ourselves can be difficult. It is the act of acknowledging how we are feeling moment to moment, day to day. Mindfulness practices may be a helpful tool in starting to cultivate this sense of awareness.

E – Express Delight

Do I like myself as a person? How do I express love, kindness and fondness to myself? As the adage goes, you are the only person you will spend your whole life with, is there a way to make sure that you are treating yourself well? For example, practicing self-compassion, indulging in small joys and tending to your well being.

A – Attunement

Attunement to self reflects our ability to connect with our felt sense and fulfill our inner needs. Focusing Oriented Therapy can be a great practice to develop a greater sense of attunement.

R – Rituals and Routines

Rituals and Routines help us prioritize regular self care. Couples counsellors John and Julie Gottman were foundational in teaching the importance of Rituals of Connection in relationships. How do you connect with yourself?

T – Turning Towards Self

Turning towards the self captures the attitude we take towards our being. For example, how do we treat ourselves when we make a mistake? Do we have a strong sense of self-compassion or an angry inner critic? Turning towards the self like you would a friend is necessary for feeling secure.

If you are interested in working towards a secure attachment within yourself together, please reach out: jennifer@homebodycounselling.ca .